A long time ago, I wanted to go to college to be an engineer. Mechanical, electrical, some type of engineer. I loved science, and the applied uses of it. But because of bad experiences with poor teachers, one size fits all math books, standardized tests and public school bullies, I thought math was too hard for me. I will never forget the day a mean girl in school told me I was in the algebra class for dummies. I realized that all the kids in the class were really struggling with math, so I thought she was right. I was a dummy, even though I got A's in most all of my other classes.
That was the day I started to believe that math was scary, math was too hard for my brain. I took as few math classes in high school that I could. I forgot about being an engineer. I didn't think I could handle the math classes needed to get the degree. So I decided to go to a business college, not realizing that managers need math too. After business math, accounting and statistics classes, I found out maybe I wasn't a math dummy after all. It wasn't scary, after my roommate (an accounting major) sat down and explained it to me when I didn't understand. I went from getting C's and D's in math to getting A's. I went from being tutored in math to being a math tutor.
By then, it felt too late to switch and become an engineer. But I hung out with friends who were engineers, and I married a mechanical engineer. I get a thrill when I figure out how to fix something around the house or make something to substitute for another thing.
I have always wondered, what if? What if I had had a different experience in school? What if someone had helped me overcome the obstacles? What if someone had helped me develop a positive attitude about math? What if a teacher in school had noticed that I needed a different way to learn math?
Now that I'm a homeschooling mom, I find out that even smart kids can have a problem with math. Some people just need a different approach to learning. When you are homeschooling your kids, you don't have to stick with curriculum that isn't working. You don't have to use one math book for all your children. When my children have a problem with math, I try not to get frustrated. I try to help them to understand. I don't want them handicapped like I was with a poor attitude and belief that I just wasn't smart enough.
I can't go back and change the past. But I can change the future for my children.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Advice on giving advice
There are right ways and wrong ways to give advice, especially unsolicited advice. I have been the recipient of much unwanted and unhelpful advice. Of course, I have often suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and given advice the wrong way. So I have come up with some standards by which to test my advice before giving it, and thought they might interest other people too. If this doesn't apply to you, then please disregard it!
1) I Seek God's advice before giving any of my own. Is what I want to tell someone from God, or is it of my own manufacture? How much uneccesary advice would we stop giving if we prayed about it first? How much better would our advice be if it was Godly and Biblical? 100% better! If I have God's peace about giving counsel, I go for it. If not, I keep my mouth shut, until I feel that peace.
2) How well do I know the person and their circumstances? Do you know enough to give advice they can use and pertains to them, and is not unhelpful or destructive? If not, I need to get to know them and their situation better before opening my mouth.
3) I try not to compare their situation to mine too much. I may think I have gone through what they are experiencing, but I am a different person with different resources and different experiences. What worked for me may not work for them.
4) I have to think, think and think again before I speak. Speaking hastily often causes the advisee to disregard what I say. I think about how what I am about to say sounds, and could I say it in a better way.
5) When giving advice that has not been asked for, I ask myself why I think I need to give the person advice. (See no. 1). Maybe the person doesn't need or want advice. Maybe they just want to vent, and need a sympathetic ear. Maybe they truly want advice, but are afraid to ask. I may think I know all the answers to this person's problems, and though highly unlikely, maybe I do. But that doesn't always mean my advice will be helpful.
6) After I have prayed, thought about it and have decided that giving advice is called for and that my advice is appropriate, I go ahead and give it. But prepared for no. 7.
7) No matter how appropriate, well thought out, and God given my advice is, sometimes people will reject it. They will lash out, call me judgmental, and tell me to mind my own business, even when they are the ones that solicited my advice in the first place. When this happens, I try not to get mad in return. I apologize and tell the person that I will be praying for them and their situation. Then I walk away quickly.
This sounds like a long drawn out process. Sometimes it is, but sometimes when people are doing something dangerous, you can't wait, you need to say something now. In that case, pray quickly that God gives you the appropriate words to say. Just be prepared for backlash. Even if your advice saves someone's life, they might not be grateful.
We all like to give advice. But we don't always do it in the best way, and in a way that helps more than it hurts.
1) I Seek God's advice before giving any of my own. Is what I want to tell someone from God, or is it of my own manufacture? How much uneccesary advice would we stop giving if we prayed about it first? How much better would our advice be if it was Godly and Biblical? 100% better! If I have God's peace about giving counsel, I go for it. If not, I keep my mouth shut, until I feel that peace.
2) How well do I know the person and their circumstances? Do you know enough to give advice they can use and pertains to them, and is not unhelpful or destructive? If not, I need to get to know them and their situation better before opening my mouth.
3) I try not to compare their situation to mine too much. I may think I have gone through what they are experiencing, but I am a different person with different resources and different experiences. What worked for me may not work for them.
4) I have to think, think and think again before I speak. Speaking hastily often causes the advisee to disregard what I say. I think about how what I am about to say sounds, and could I say it in a better way.
5) When giving advice that has not been asked for, I ask myself why I think I need to give the person advice. (See no. 1). Maybe the person doesn't need or want advice. Maybe they just want to vent, and need a sympathetic ear. Maybe they truly want advice, but are afraid to ask. I may think I know all the answers to this person's problems, and though highly unlikely, maybe I do. But that doesn't always mean my advice will be helpful.
6) After I have prayed, thought about it and have decided that giving advice is called for and that my advice is appropriate, I go ahead and give it. But prepared for no. 7.
7) No matter how appropriate, well thought out, and God given my advice is, sometimes people will reject it. They will lash out, call me judgmental, and tell me to mind my own business, even when they are the ones that solicited my advice in the first place. When this happens, I try not to get mad in return. I apologize and tell the person that I will be praying for them and their situation. Then I walk away quickly.
This sounds like a long drawn out process. Sometimes it is, but sometimes when people are doing something dangerous, you can't wait, you need to say something now. In that case, pray quickly that God gives you the appropriate words to say. Just be prepared for backlash. Even if your advice saves someone's life, they might not be grateful.
We all like to give advice. But we don't always do it in the best way, and in a way that helps more than it hurts.
Because you are a mom
My kids have this idea that there are some things only I can do, because I'm a mom. They say they can't do those things, because they're not moms. Ok, well there ARE a few things I can do they can't. But I'm not talking about birthing a baby or nursing a child. There are things that I am attempting to train them to do, like clean the toilet, scrub out the tubs, clean a dirty meatloaf pan. First they say they can't do it at all. Then they give a half hearted attempt. When I tell them they need to do better, they say they can't. I tell them I can, if I try really hard.
"That's because you're a mom, and we are only kids."
I reply: "Do you think that when I became a mom, I magically knew how to do all this stuff and did it perfectly? No, I had to learn just like you. I did it over and over again before I could do it really well"
The problem is, my mom didn't teach how to do a lot of these kinds of things, and I when I was out on my own, I had to do them. No chance to learn, I just did it. When I got married, my husband could cook better than me. Thankfully he is a really patient man. I had to learn by doing. I made plenty of mistakes. I wish my mom had spent more time teaching my sister and I how to care for a house. She mostly did it herself. My sister and I did the things she didn't like to do. I was really good at doing my own laundry. I want to teach my children now how to care for their own possessions and a houseful of things. To cook and clean, to take care of smaller children. I tell them it will be useful when they grow up. Do you know what they reply:
"When I grow up, I will have a maid."
Hah, that's what I told my mom, and that never happened! I had four girls instead.
I also think it's important for them to learn to do somethings that my husband does. Things that would have been helpful for me to know when I was single and living on my own. Simple repairs, car maintenance, how to cut the grass. If I had boys, I would teach them how to cook. I have always been blessed that my husband knows how to cook well. When I was pregnant, sick, traveling, I always knew my children would be well fed.
So my kids don't get away with saying they can't do it and I can, because I'm a mom. I'm going to keep training them.
This started out as a FB post I was thinking of making, but then grew into something bigger, so I decided to make it a blog!
"That's because you're a mom, and we are only kids."
I reply: "Do you think that when I became a mom, I magically knew how to do all this stuff and did it perfectly? No, I had to learn just like you. I did it over and over again before I could do it really well"
The problem is, my mom didn't teach how to do a lot of these kinds of things, and I when I was out on my own, I had to do them. No chance to learn, I just did it. When I got married, my husband could cook better than me. Thankfully he is a really patient man. I had to learn by doing. I made plenty of mistakes. I wish my mom had spent more time teaching my sister and I how to care for a house. She mostly did it herself. My sister and I did the things she didn't like to do. I was really good at doing my own laundry. I want to teach my children now how to care for their own possessions and a houseful of things. To cook and clean, to take care of smaller children. I tell them it will be useful when they grow up. Do you know what they reply:
"When I grow up, I will have a maid."
Hah, that's what I told my mom, and that never happened! I had four girls instead.
I also think it's important for them to learn to do somethings that my husband does. Things that would have been helpful for me to know when I was single and living on my own. Simple repairs, car maintenance, how to cut the grass. If I had boys, I would teach them how to cook. I have always been blessed that my husband knows how to cook well. When I was pregnant, sick, traveling, I always knew my children would be well fed.
So my kids don't get away with saying they can't do it and I can, because I'm a mom. I'm going to keep training them.
This started out as a FB post I was thinking of making, but then grew into something bigger, so I decided to make it a blog!
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