Advice on giving advice

There are right ways and wrong ways to give advice, especially unsolicited advice. I have been the recipient of much unwanted and unhelpful advice. Of course, I have often suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and given advice the wrong way. So I have come up with some standards by which to test my advice before giving it, and thought they might interest other people too. If this doesn't apply to you, then please disregard it!

1) I Seek God's advice before giving any of my own. Is what I want to tell someone from God, or is it of my own manufacture? How much uneccesary advice would we stop giving if we prayed about it first? How much better would our advice be if it was Godly and Biblical? 100% better! If I have God's peace about giving counsel, I go for it. If not, I keep my mouth shut, until I feel that peace.

2) How well do I know the person and their circumstances? Do you know enough to give advice they can use and pertains to them, and is not unhelpful or destructive? If not, I need to get to know them and their situation better before opening my mouth.

3) I try not to compare their  situation to mine too much. I may think I have gone through what they are experiencing, but I am a different person with different resources and different experiences.  What worked for me may not work for them.

4) I have to think, think and think again before I speak. Speaking hastily often causes the advisee to disregard what I say. I think about how what I am about to say sounds, and could I say it in a better way.

5) When giving advice that has not been asked for, I ask myself why I think I need to give the person advice. (See no. 1). Maybe the person doesn't need or want advice. Maybe they just want to vent, and need a sympathetic ear. Maybe they truly want advice, but are afraid to ask. I may think I know all the answers to this person's problems, and though highly unlikely, maybe I do. But that doesn't always mean my advice will be helpful.

6) After I have prayed, thought about it and have decided that giving advice is called for and that my advice is appropriate, I go ahead and give it. But prepared for no. 7.

7) No matter how appropriate, well thought out, and God given my advice is, sometimes people will reject it. They will lash out, call me judgmental, and tell me to mind my own business, even when they are the ones that solicited my advice in the first place. When this happens, I try not to get mad in return. I apologize and tell the person that I will be praying for them and their situation. Then I walk away quickly.

This sounds like a long drawn out process. Sometimes it is, but sometimes when people are doing something dangerous, you can't wait, you need to say something now. In that case, pray quickly that God gives you the appropriate words to say. Just be prepared for backlash. Even if your advice saves someone's life, they might not be grateful.

We all like to give advice. But we don't always do it in the best way, and in a way that helps more than it hurts.

Because you are a mom

My kids have this idea that there are some things only I can do, because I'm a mom. They say they can't do those things, because they're not moms. Ok, well there ARE a few things I can do they can't. But I'm not talking about birthing a baby or nursing a child. There are things that I am attempting to train them to do, like clean the toilet, scrub out the tubs, clean a dirty meatloaf pan. First they say they can't do it at all. Then they give a half hearted attempt. When I tell them they need to do better, they say they can't. I tell them I can, if I try really hard.

"That's because you're a mom, and we are only kids."

I reply: "Do you think that when I became a mom, I magically knew how to do all this stuff and did it perfectly? No, I had to learn just like you. I did it over and over again before I could do it really well"

The problem is, my mom didn't teach how to do a lot of these kinds of things, and I when I was out on my own, I had to do them. No chance to learn, I just did it. When I got married, my husband could cook better than me. Thankfully he is a really patient man. I had to learn by doing. I made plenty of mistakes. I wish my mom had spent more time teaching my sister and I how to care for a house. She mostly did it herself.  My sister and I did the things she didn't like to do. I was really good at doing my own laundry. I want to teach my children now how to care for their own possessions and a houseful of things. To cook and clean, to take care of smaller children. I tell them it will be useful when they grow up. Do you know what they reply:

"When I grow up, I will have a maid."

Hah, that's what I told my mom, and that never happened! I had four girls instead.

I also think it's important for them to learn to do somethings that my husband does. Things that would have been helpful for me to know when I was single and living on my own. Simple repairs, car maintenance, how to cut the grass. If I had boys, I would teach them how to cook. I have always been blessed that my husband knows how to cook well. When I was pregnant, sick, traveling, I always knew my children would be well fed.

So my kids don't get away with saying they can't do it and I can, because I'm a mom. I'm going to keep training them.

This started out as a FB post I was thinking of making, but then grew into something bigger, so I decided to make it a blog!